The Way I Talk to My Child Is Changing the Way I Talk to Myself
On language, healing, and learning to speak gently—to them, and to me.
I used to think I was a pretty self-aware person.
I’d been to therapy. I journaled. I wasn’t exactly out here screaming at drivers in traffic.
But then I became a stay-at-home dad.
And suddenly, I wasn’t just managing my own thoughts.
I was managing breakfast requests, sock rejections, crayon meltdowns, toddler negotiations over whether toast should have any brown spots.
And I was doing it all while trying to “model emotional regulation” and use Montessori-aligned language.
Turns out, that’s when your real voice shows up.
Not your podcast voice. Not your journaling voice.
Your oh my god, if you ask me for yogurt again while screaming voice.
It was jarring.
Because when I listened closely—really listened—I didn’t like how sharp my voice could sound.
Even when I wasn’t yelling.
Even when I was saying all the “right” words.
The Soft Words That Took Me by Surprise
One morning, after a particularly rough start, my child was curled up in a corner of the kitchen, refusing breakfast.
I crouched down and said, quietly:
“It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here when you’re ready.”
They didn’t move. But they heard me.
I know because later, when I got frustrated with myself for burning the toast, they said it back to me:
“It’s okay to feel upset, Daddy. I’m here when you’re ready.”
I had to sit down.
Not because I was tired.
Because I realized: I had never, ever, spoken to myself that way.
Language as a Mirror
Montessori encourages us to speak to children with respect, with clarity, and with compassion.
No baby talk. No shaming. No sarcasm.
Just direct, honest, kind words that name reality and honor their experience.
At first, I did it because I was “supposed to.”
But slowly, it became a practice.
And that practice started rewiring something deeper.
I caught myself saying things like:
“You’re having a hard time, and I’m right here.”
“You’re safe. I can help.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn.”
And one day, I realized I wasn’t just saying them to my child.
I was starting to believe them about me.
Talking to the Past Versions of Me
There’s something wild about parenting through a Montessori lens while reparenting yourself in the background.
When I’m gentle with my child, I can feel the echoes of how I wish someone had spoken to me.
And sometimes—honestly—it hurts.
Because it shines a light on all the parts of me that never got that softness, that clarity, that patient presence.
But it also heals.
Because every time I offer my child a better script, I’m rewriting the one I live by too.
The Work Is Ongoing
This isn’t a story about “fixing” my inner voice.
It’s not a fairytale where I suddenly love myself unconditionally because I started saying Montessori phrases in the mirror.
It’s slower than that.
Softer than that.
But it’s real.
The way I talk to my child—especially when things are hard—is changing me.
It’s reminding me I deserve a voice that doesn’t belittle me.
It’s teaching me that compassion isn’t something you perform.
It’s something you live.
Even when the toast is burnt.
Even when the socks are wrong.
Even when your own inner child is melting down quietly inside you.
So Here’s My Quiet Reminder to You
If you wouldn’t say it to your kid, don’t say it to yourself.
And if you do say it to yourself…
Pause.
Take a breath.
Try again, softer.
They’re listening.
But so are you.
Here’s a small invitation: Tonight, try speaking one kind phrase to yourself—the way you would to your child.
Notice how it feels. You can share your experience by replying to this email or keeping it as a quiet moment for yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this edition of The Montessori Dad
For this project to succeed and have the greatest reach, I need your support:
Share this project with your friends and family, or someone you think could benefit.
Support my work by becoming a member of the Fragile Moments Community HERE
Feel free to reach out via email: thefragilemoments@gmail.com
Thanks for trusting me with your email,
P.S. - you are always welcome to say hello and BOOK A FREE CHAT with me HERE (I love connecting with people).