When Boundaries Aren’t Working—It’s Not Your Kid, It’s Your Nervous System
You can’t hold a boundary you don’t feel safe enough to hold.
Let’s talk about that moment when your kid is pushing every limit you set.
You’re doing all the “right” things:
You’re calm.
You’ve stated the boundary clearly.
You’re trying to hold it without threats or bribes.
But it’s not working.
They keep testing.
You feel yourself unraveling.
And the internal dialogue starts:
“Why can’t I just stick to the boundary?”
“Why do I cave every time?”
“Why is this so hard for me?”
Here’s what I want to tell you, in case no one has yet:
It’s not a discipline issue. It’s a nervous system issue
Boundaries aren’t just something you say—they’re something you embody.
You can’t fake a regulated nervous system.
You can speak the most Montessori-perfect, therapist-approved script in the world, but if your body is stuck in fight-or-flight?
Your kid feels that.
They react to that.
And the boundary doesn’t land.
It’s not because they’re “manipulative.”
It’s not because they’re “testing you.”
It’s because your energy says, “I don’t feel safe right now.”
And kids are masters at picking up on the unsaid stuff.
I’ve had moments where I say:
“We’re not having another snack, dinner is in 20 minutes.”
But inside, I’m anxious. Dysregulated.
I’m thinking about the mess. Or the clock. Or the 4 other things I didn’t get done today.
And when my kid pushes back, even gently, my whole body tenses.
So what do I do?
I either cave and give the snack,
or I double down and get angry.
Neither one is about the snack.
It’s about me not feeling steady enough to hold the line.
Our nervous systems set the tone—not just our words.
And this is where the real work of parenting lives.
Not in getting your kid to comply.
But in learning to regulate your own stress responses so you can lead with calm authority.
That doesn’t mean being perfectly Zen 24/7.
It means noticing when you’re getting hijacked.
It means practicing returning to regulation—even if you didn’t start there.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do—for both of you—is to pause and say:
“I need a minute to calm my body before we keep going.”
That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.
That’s modeling.
That’s how boundaries actually get held—not with force, but with steadiness.
So if boundaries feel hard right now…
Don’t just look at your kid’s behavior.
Look inward.
Are you racing through the day in stress mode?
Are you holding tension in your jaw, your chest, your stomach?
Are you snapping because you’re dysregulated—not because you’re “bad at parenting”?
You’re not failing.
You’re overstimulated.
You’re human.
And your nervous system needs care too.
I’d love to hear from you—what’s one boundary that’s been hard to hold lately, and what do you notice about how your body responds?
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