Why I Let My Kid Struggle (And Why It Still Hurts to Watch)
Montessori taught me to trust the process. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
There’s a moment that happens almost daily in our house.
It’s small.
Insignificant-looking, even.
But it never fails to hit me right in the chest.
My child is trying to put on their shoes.
And it’s not going well.
They sigh.
They grunt.
They push the shoe the wrong way, twist it, try again.
They get frustrated.
I see the tears starting to well up. I feel the frustration rising in me, too.
And everything in my body wants to swoop in and fix it.
But I don’t.
At least—not right away.
Because I’ve learned something, slowly and painfully:
Struggle isn’t the enemy. It’s the work.
The Montessori Path: Controlled Struggle
Montessori calls it “productive struggle.”
That place where a child meets just the right amount of challenge, enough to stretch them, not break them.
It’s the zone where learning actually happens.
It’s also the zone where parenting becomes heartbreakingly tender.
Because watching your child struggle (even just with a sock or a zipper) feels like a micro-dose of helplessness.
Like standing on the edge of a cliff, trusting they’ll find their footing while you resist the urge to carry them across.
“I Can Help if You Need Me”
That’s my go-to phrase now.
It’s my anchor.
It lets them know I’m here, without jumping in.
It gives them autonomy, while keeping the connection alive.
Sometimes they say yes.
Sometimes they keep trying.
Sometimes they burst into tears and climb into my lap.
And honestly?
Each of those outcomes is okay.
Why It Still Hurts to Watch
Here’s what I didn’t expect about parenting the Montessori way:
The amount of emotional work it would take to not save them every time.
To stay regulated.
To stay present.
To trust the process even when it looks like failure.
Sometimes it brings up old stuff.
Memories of being left alone in my own struggles as a kid.
Or, on the flip side, memories of being rescued so quickly that I never learned how to handle hard things myself.
I’m not just watching my child struggle, I’m watching my own inner child, too.
Trust Is a Muscle
Letting your kid struggle doesn’t mean ignoring their feelings.
It means believing in their capacity.
It means knowing that independence is built through trying, failing, trying again.
It’s hard.
It’s sacred.
And yeah, it still stings.
But every time I watch them keep going…
Every time I see the pride in their eyes when they finally get the shoe on…
I remember:
This is what growth looks like.
For them.
And for me.
This Is the Kind of Story That Shapes Us
If you’re holding a hundred quiet parenting moments like this (ones that don’t make it into the baby book but live in your body) I’d love to help you tell that story.
My 1:1 Storytelling Alchemy sessions are a place for the untold parts of parenting:
The emotional undercurrents.
The healing you didn’t expect.
The stuff that makes you a different human, not just a “better parent.”
If that’s the story you’re sitting in right now, I’d be honored to hold it with you.
👉 fragilemoments.org
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